Eshin Direct

Dream Control

Dammit. Sometimes I hate sleeping. I have no control over the dreams that I have. Of course, if you believe what those that believe in the old practices say, the dreamstate lies a little further than the etheral state which deals with stuff like astral projection. Excluding meat and cigarettes from my consumption, raises my level of consciousness. So in theory, I should be more able to control my own dreams. I think I did to some extent and didn’t in other ways.

Without warning, I found myself dreaming again of Louisa. My mind just dumped me in a situation where I was with her again, amidst all the negative feelings of loss that have become associated with her. In my waking state, I can deal with them since I can balance out the negative emotions with positive memories of her and thus happier emotions. It’s part of refusing to give power to things and people that can harm you (see my post about Power over You” in Meditations). Anyway, she looked a little different in that she looked older and there was a colder streak to her. Yet she had gracefully allowed me to spend time with her. Strange that, I also seemed to chase after her. I would not had I been awake.

Anyway, while she had agreed to spend time with me, she didn’t want to do anything. The dream was screaming at me that she wanted to spend time with me, yet it played out that she didn’t want to spend time with me. I just needed to convince her to find something interesting to do. Yet she kept insisting she wanted to go home. To be honest, I was bordering on the point of kidnapping. It was sort of like the real life relationship I had with her. She would say she wanted me but she would always blow hot and cold. I also think that my mind had merged her with Napa’s attitude as well, which didn’t help.

We had this argument in a street in Causeway Bay and we were sitting down for some reason. She had taken off her boots, which she looked great in. She had once worn them after an argument just to appease me. There was this guy also sitting there a little apart from us. He looked like this “b” list actor who I can’t place at the moment nor any film he’s been in. Anyway, he was fat, short although a little bulky. He looked like one of these successful financial gweilo that you see plenty of in Hong Kong (other than the chiseled poster boy ones).

Well, the discussion between Louisa and I was in English and sufficiently heated enough to attract his concern. His friend arrived that he was evidently waiting for yet he stayed back to make sure she was alright. I guess I can’t fault him. I’ve done that myself at times when I thought there might be trouble for a gal. The end came when Louisa decides to walk off (apparently listening to some suggestion I had made). He gives her a quisitive “Are you okay?” and I think she responds in some manner.

I get up to follow her but before I do so, I tell his friend, “Next time, tell your friend to mind his own business”. This goes down a treat with the guy and we have a minor confrontation in the street. No fighting but just heated words. Strange thing with this guy was that there was an association of fear of him. In my head, I had a strange feeling of having seen this guy everywhere in places like Lan Kwai Fong and therefore having established some form of connection. I still stared him down and he went off.

Lousia did come back to me and ask me what was going on. It’s here where the dream started to come apart because we found ourselves in a street in Central now. And she sort of said she knew the guy too but the vibe from her was she didn’t like him all that much. I guess more jarring than a possible ruck in my dream was the thought she knew him at all. Jealousy helped me wake from my dream, followed by a sudden after-dream emotion of intense regret.

I brought myself to full consciousness and dispelled these negative thoughts. Even though I could have slept some more, I’ve had to now wake up. The scary thought for me is that she still has power over my dreams since I’ve got relatively more control over my life since my epiphany. It’s like in the film, A Beautiful Mind, where John Nash manages to control his mind and not indulge in certain appetites. Likewise, my waking state is very much like that. Hopefully, soon, my dream state will be the same.