Eshin Direct

Does she know how much she meant to me? I would love to hate her but I can’t. It’s one of the things that still gives her power over me but that I treasure. The fact that I love her and don’t hate her. Should I hate her? Probably…but all of my soul still loves her. And I wish it wouldn’t.

Tried to get drunk to kill the thoughts and emotions. Knocked back two or three strong Martini’s (shaken not stirred, well, one was stirred). That suceeded in getting me drunk for all of about 2 hours and for some reason, eating after it all, it gave me a hang-over by 10pm. Hey, look ma, I can’t even get drunk properly. Quite sad really. So I stopped drinking, gotta bitch of a hangover and off to bed now.

Oh yeah, she said she’d be online but I think she’s banned me now from her ICQ list. But I doubt she would have been online anyway to talk with me.

Those of you worried I’m drinking myself back down the dark windy path, rest assured, I’m not. Those martini’s are lethal on an empty stomach and I have niether the energy to drink further and the thoughts and feelings are numbed. Lucky me.